Canterwood Crest: Helpless
by WalkTrotCanter
Summary: Well this is just another version of what would happen after jacob kissed her, ruining her relashionships with some of her favorite people.
1. Chapter 1

I stared into Eric's agonized chocolate eyes. He shook his head, and I took that as a sign of disappointment. He turned on his heel, and left my sight. I felt Jacob's slick hand sneak around my waist just after Eric fled.

"Oh Sash-," Jacob started speaking softly, but I jumped out of his grasp before he could continue his eerie sentence. I whirled around to face his relaxed profile. Even after an incident like that, he kept a casual aura. It was sick!

"Don't you 'Oh Sash' _me_!" I screamed at him, louder than I realized my vocal chords could handle. I was fed up with his obsessing over me since summer.

"Sasha, I really lo-"

"Just..._shut up and leave_!" I opened the door and pointed the way out, but he just sat there.

"I am not leaving until you admit you like me!" Jacob's face contorted into an angry expression, but the rage boiling within me was at higher temperatures.

"I don't like you. I _hate_ you." I felt a tear slip down my cheek, and I crossed my arms. "Now leave, or I will get Livvie." I wasn't kidding either. Jacob could get in trouble if the strict Winchester dorm monitor unveiled her fury. I could care less at the moment though.

"Fine. But someday, you will admit your feelings for me." He got up and walked out of the room, giving one last sentimental glare.

"Good luck with that because I don't lie." My choice of words had to sting him like venom, but I wasn't sure if he even bothered to hear my thoughts.

After he was officially out the room, I felt weary. It was settling in that Eric had just broken up with me. I glanced at the charm bracelet that he had gifted me. How on Earth could I have let such a scandalous move be done? I had a hunch that Jacob would confess to Callie and break her innocent heart. I forced myself together and exited the room, entering the center of the party. I composed myself and walked towards Paige who was laughing with Gina.

"Paige-"

"Gather round the table everyone, it's present time!" Paige obviously hadn't noticed me when she said it.

I was propelled to my seat at the head of the table. I battled through the feeling of puke in my stomach and opened present after seemingly meaningless present. I know I sound spoiled when saying that, but at that period of dismal time, my mind was too wrapped up with the incident. I was faking my happiness toward people. In fact, I wasn't even registering what I was getting.

I finally got through the giant pile and thanked everyone. After that, I said good-bye to guests, and they left.

Jasmine moved through the crowd and cynically whispered in my ear. "Nice cover up." I could see her spitting on my shoes if people weren't around. She strolled away. Once again, I felt a wave of dejection wash over.

Paige and I gathered my gifts and shoved them into our dorm room. I wordlessly entered the bathroom and took a change of VS Pink pajamas.

"Are you ok, Sash?" Paige asked from her bed. I felt like I would choke up if I opened my mouth, so I just nodded. I felt something vibrate and saw my phone light up. I read the screen. Callie.


	2. Chapter 2

I opened up the text.

_Jacob told me what you did! I cant beleive you! never talk to me again! _

I cringed and felt a fury emerge within me. I wasn't just playing around. I truly _hated _Jacob. He took away my boyfriend, and my best friend, all within one disgraceful kiss. Oh..my boyfriend..I missed Eric already. We didn't talk or text, and I didn't want to face a potential break up. His tortured looking eyes kept showing up in my mind, and I just wanted to see his comforting smile.

But...I couldn't tell him, or Callie would be heartbroken if Eric told her the truth.

I fell asleep, exhausted by the previous events.

"Sashaaa, wake up sleepy head!" I groaned and looked into the face of Paige. Her curly red hair splashed over her shoulders. She was already dressed in a purple tank top, a black cashmere sweater, and skinny blue jeans.

I lifted my heavy body off the sheets and drifted over to my closet. I unconsciously dressed in a chocolate brown sweater, light wash jeans, and designer ankle boots the color of midnight blue. I usually don't buy designer, so you can imagine my surprise when I opened its gift wrap. I yawned and looked down at my charm bracelet. The horseshoe sparkled in the light.

I checked the clock and realized I had 10 minutes before I had to get to class. I could find Eric and try to explain myself but...what would I say? Someone would find out and tell Callie; then she would be heartbroken. Oh wait. Jacob already finished the job. I buried my head in my hands, completely helpless. I grabbed my bookbag, pulled my hair into a high pony tail, and walked toward my first class.

I entered the cafeteria and collected my lunch of tuna surprise and a bottle of water. I sat at an empty table next to the window. Paige texted constantly me about sitting with her. Heather had attempted to invite me but gave up when I texted back "_sry, paige alrdy asked"_

I got up when the bell rang and headed for my next class on auto pilot.

When the day was finally over, I went back to my dorm and changed into a pair of fawn breeches, a dark blue Ralph Lauren polo shirt, and my dark brown paddock boots. I swept my hair into a loose bun and jogged to the barn before Paige could mutter a word.

The familiar, sweet smell of hay and leather greeted me as I stepped into the regal Canterwood stables. I was greeted by a flurry of whinnies as I speed walked to Charm's stall.

"Hey bud," I greeted him. He threw his head over the door at the sight of me. I opened the stall door and fastened on his lead rope, Next, I hooked him to some cross ties. I groomed his already gleaming hide to kill time since I was a half hour early for the lesson. I tacked up Charm in a dark blue baby pad (since the weather was warm today) and sparkly jell black bell boots. Charm snorted and scratched his nose on his knee. I took off his halter and slipped the bit into his mouth.

I snatched my helmet off the rack from the tack room and clipped the chin strap. Afterwards, I returned Charm. I pulled the reins over Charm's head and led him toward the arena.

No one was inside. _Awesome. _It was just what I wanted: to be alone. I mounted Charm and trotted him along the wall. He pricked his ears back, listening for any command.

I knew i had to work on dressage, so I used subtle commands to lengthen his neck and change his stride. It was so he would transition into a working trot. He obeyed. I pushed Eric, Jacob, Callie, and Jasmine out of my thoughts and focused between Charm's cute red ears.

Charm slowed to a walk without my asking. I turned him in a circle and pushed him back to a working trot. It was my fault though, I had lost my focus. There goes my concentration I swore I had. The others poured in eventually.

Mr. Conner strode into the arena with his clip board. "Hello girls, good afternoon. To the rail, walk."

Charm and I wasted no time following orders, followed by Heather, then Jasmine.

"Trot," Mr. Conner ordered us.

I immediately followed directions and pushed charm into an elegant trot. We were both on our game today. I paid no attention to Mike and Doug setting up jumps behind Mr. Conner.

"Line up in front of me," We all lined up in front of him and waited for our next command.

I glanced at the jumps. An oxer, a roll top, and a two cross rails. Jasmine snorted, much like a cackling witch.

"Heather you first, then Jasmine, then Sasha. Start when your ready."

Heather pulled Aristocrat into a large circle and pointed him at the oxer. They soared over it with ease, followed by the roll back. She had no hesitation over the cross rails and finished perfectly.

"Nice," Mr. Conner praised as she got back in line.

Jasmine shoved her horse Phoenix toward the first jump (not even circling him) and when he drifted, she tapped him with her boots, and forced him over the jumps, doing the same for every jump.

"Jasmine, remember what we talked about," Mr. Conner scolded her for the rough ride. Jasmine's face turned cherry red.

"Go when you're ready, Sasha," He jotted something on his clip board. Who was it about? Me? Or Jasmine? It couldn't have been Heather, her ride was flawless. I must've been really paranoid.

"Sasha?" I realized I hadn't budge. I blushed and turned Charm into a large trotting circle and pointed him at the first jump. I urged myself to focus on Charm.

**A/N: We really appreciate follows, favorites, and reveiws especcially :D**


	3. Chapter 3

Charm kept his ears back for any signals I had. His hooves thudded on the fresh arena sand. I stared between his ears and counted the strides to the blue and red oxer. _Three, two, one, now! _I lifted out of the saddle and into a two point position as Charm snapped his legs over the jump. I leaned back as he landed and got ready for the roll back, which Charm cleared easily. He approached the oxers with no hesitation. I remember the time when I knocked this in YENT camp...it was _so_ embarrassing. _ Oh no. _I lost focus and Charm leaped over the jump and I recovered into two point as he leaped over without me asking, like a good horse.

"Good Sasha, but you lost focus. Remember to concentrate." Mr. Conner told me gently. "Please remember not to let your horse's experience overshadow your riding ability. It is a frequent mistake in riders."

I nodded and lined back up.

"See you girls tomorrow," Mr. Conner left the arena.

I dismounted Charm with a sigh and cooled him out along the wall. I strode back to the barn with my helmet under my arm. Charm snorted gently as I took out the bit and slipped on his halter, hooking on the cross ties.

Charm closed his eyes as I unbuckled his girth and gathered his saddle, pad, and girth in my arms. I heaved them on top of his stall door while I finished grooming him.

He heaved a sigh of pleasure as I massaged the curry comb onto his coat. I closed my eyes and rhythmically brushed his hide as if I were in a trance. I kept grooming until Charm was silky. I took a hoof pick and picked out small clumps of dirt. I led him into his stall and slid off his halter. I hung it on his hook outside and heaved his tack into my arms and waddled toward the tack room, hands full. I looked at my spot that I usually hung my tack but instead, Callie's black saddle, and yellow pad hung there. I managed to lift it in one hand and replace it with my tack. I was putting hers in its proper holder when I heard boots click in the hallway. The door swung open behind me.

"Uh, what are you doing?" I heard Callie's stiff voice say.

"Um, your stuff was in my rack." I replied quietly.

"Claiming saddle racks too now? Wow, soon you'll have everything. Just like you always wanted it." She lifted her chin and snatched her tack from my hands, putting it up herself.

"No I-"

"Save it Sasha. I don't want to hear it. In fact, I don't want to EVER hear, see, or talk to you again." Callie spun around and stomped out.

I stood still, utterly shocked.

I backed up and hit the wall, sliding down to a sitting position. I buried my head into my hands and sobbed for what felt like hours. My ability to determine time must've been destroyed. What was happening? This wasn't fair. why me? If Eric were here-No. I stopped myself from perceiving those thoughts. It would only make me cry more. I removed my hands from my eyes and put on a coat of Bonne Belle lip balm. I stood up, smoothed down my shirt, and exited the stable. I stopped though. I looked down at my charm bracelet. I missed Eric. I wanted him to hold me. Kiss me. Talk to me. I jogged back into the barn.

I whispered to myself "_20 seconds of insane courage 20 seconds of insane courage" _over and over in my head. When I turned the corner, I accidentally bumped into Troy.

"Oof. Oh! Troy, thank god, where is Eric?" I talked quickly, not sure if he understood me or not.

"Oh, he left. I got to get read for my lesson though," He squeezed past me while leading Thunder, a roan sabino gelding.

I froze. What? Left? Where? Why? My mind flooded with terrible possibilities and ached from all the questions. My face turned red, and I felt tears prick my eyes. It took every ounce of determination not to bawl in the stables.

"Ha, pathetic." I heard Jasmine's venomous words and turned around to see her leaning on the wall. She had a wicked smirk played on her cold, porcelain pale face.

I sprinted past her, out of the barn, and towards Winchester. I didn't care who saw me. Once I arrived to Winchester, I slammed my dorm door shut. I locked the bathroom door and stared in the mirror. I _was _pathetic. My eyes had a grey whisp around them and the green was more of a grey. My once bright pink lips were now cracked and dry. I could detect a faint scent of salt, probably from my now spilled tears. I sniffed and turned on the faucet. I splashed the cold water on my face. It was nice pretending my tears were actually the faucet's, and I never cried. I changed into a pair of thrift shop lavender pajamas afterwards. I didn't care what the brand was, but it had a snugly soft texture. I created a hide out under my blankets and delved into my homework.


	4. Chapter 4

I sat at a two-person lunch table, poking at my cold turkey sandwich with my fork. On a normal day, I would devour it with my bare hands. However, my appetite just lingered. My eyes scanned across the cafeteria. My eyes landed on Paige, who was laughing next to Callie, Geena, and some girl from my biology class. I felt so empty inside. I hadn't talked to anyone except for Mr. Conner, and once I yelled at Jacob for following me around campus. If I did respond to anyone, it was usually composed of little words or a physical gesture.

I ran a hand through my hair and drew my knee's up to my chest. Being a window seat, I was offered a view of the campus. In the far distance, you could make up horses frolicking around. Oh, how I wish I could just go and ride Charm away, far away from this place. I never felt like I was in hell here before. Canterwood was supposed to be my home away from home but right now, it felt like a cold prison. I couldn't stand it anymore. I climbed off the chair and a few eyes landed on me but darted away quickly. I ran a hand over my burgundy sweater and strode across the lunch room.

I walked with purpose, putting thick concrete wall between the world and my feelings. I flipped my hair behind me and stopped at Callie's table.

I placed my hands on the edge for balance in case I had to puke. I coughed once.

"What do you want?" said Callie in a snarky tone.

"Paige, Callie...Jacob kissed me..I swear..I don't want you to hate me anymore. Can't we just leave it all behind us and be fr-"

"Sasha, just get lost. You're crazy. Paige told me about how you holed yourself up in the bathroom for some hour and cried yourself to sleep. Just go away, you might as well leave Canterwood. You're just a laughing stock. No one likes you anymore, you freak." Callie's words cut to the bone, but instead of bursting into tears I felt a wave of hatred. She was so _different_. I remember how much she begged for forgiveness when she started dating Jacob. I guess you could say I was still hung up, but when I look back, my stomach flops. My ideas of Jacob now than before are impressively more negative.

"Oh god...forget I ever tried to apologize. You know what, Callie? You're right. I _am _crazy!" The lunch room went silent at my outburst. I wasn't the type to make a scene, that was Heather's job. I could see her and the other two members of the Trio, Alison and Julia, turning around to view me. I smiled wickedly and laughed loudly. My insanity seemed to drain the color from Callie's face. "You're right, I'm just the crazy boy-friend stealing _bitch!" _I let out another psychotic giggle, "Forget it!" I swiped my arm across the table and her food landed across the cafeteria floor. I turned on my heel and _tried_ to storm out of the room. I was at the door when I slammed into Miss Drake. _Oh no_.

"What is going on in my lunch room?" Everyone averted their eyes from me and Miss Drake. That was how intimidating the headmistress was. "Sasha. Go to my office. You too, Heather, Paige, and Callie." Once we were all out of sight, she practically herded us to her office in the administrative wing.

Once we arrived to her office, I plopped down into on of the purple chairs. I buried my head into my hands. I thought I was in tranquility for a moment.

"Sasha, go into the waiting room." Miss Drake ordered, and I left the room. I listened through the door though, curiosity and worry squeezed my heart.

"So girls, you were there. I was aware of the scene, but arrive late. What exactly happened? " Miss Drake asked in a composed tone.

"Well, Sasha just came up to the table and freaked out on us." Callie sounded like a hurt puppy. It sickened me.

"Yeah, she just did it for no reason." Paige complied.

_What?! _I couldn't believe what I was hearing! how could either of them say that? I was even more mad then before. She saw how hurt I was as a roommate and friend. Why would she not believe the truth?

"Uh, no she did _not_." Heather argued.

_Wait. Heather? What is happening to the world? _Seriously? First, my best friends turn on me and now my enemy stands up for me? This has got to be a nightmare. I bet HEather was only going to make me appear worse and make up things.

"What do you mean, Heather?" Miss Drake questioned.

"I mean, Callie said some nasty things. Sasha didn't deserve that," Heather replied confidently. As the leader of the Trio, every sentence of her's was etched with that same firmness. I don't know why, but I felt a warm feeling creep up on me. It was nice to know at least one person didn't skew the truth.

"No I didn't!" Callie protested.

"Yeah, Sasha was acting really rude. Callie did nothing," Paige sided.

"Girls, you may leave. Tell Sasha to come in," Miss Drake ordered.

They exited the room. Callie and Paige glared at me, but Heather gave me a look of defeat. I could see my life being a game of Flappy Bird, and I had just hit a pipe. **Game Over**.

I walked into the office and sat down. I fidgeted.

"Sasha. I am disappointed in your actions. You knew you shouldn't have done that, but you did it anyway. Detention, and you cannot attend your riding lesson this afternoon. I will be paging your instructor later. Now, go back to your classes." Miss Drake excused me. I got up, walked out her office and towards my locker.

Eyes stared at me like I was a zoo animal. In a way, I felt encaged like one. I held both arms and looked at my boots. However, I didn't feel an ounce of regret.


	5. Chapter 5

I was finally done with detention after 4 boring hours. What was I doing? I was finishing the infamous amounts of Canterwood homework. However, I _still_ needed to study. I strode out of the room and towards Winchester. When I got there Paige was absent. _Thank God, _I thought. I grabbed a pair of dark brown breeches and a red polo shirt, paired with my brown paddock boots. I grabbed some carrots from the common room fridge and walked towards the large Canterwood stables.

They said I couldn't attend my lesson. They didn't say I couldn't ride. I finally got to the stables and looked straight ahead, avoiding everyone's dubious stares. I didn't even care what they thought. Honestly, I didn't even care what _I_ thought. My goal was to ride and meet my lovable Charm.

My mood instantly brightened when I got to my chestnut gelding's stall. I knew he wouldn't judge me. Well, horses couldn't speak, but the way Charm's loving eyes made my heart, you could say it was the equivalent. I grabbed his lead halter off the wall.

"Hey boy. No lesson today. I bet you were wondering where I was. We're gonna trail ride." I smiled when he perked his ears at the word trail. I clipped on his lead rope and lead him into the hallway. Next, I clipped him to the cross tries. I brushed his fur down and picked his large hooves. He started falling asleep in the ties until I left to get his tack. I came back, quickly fastened the girth, and put on his black leg wraps. He didn't even flinch when I attempted to put on his bridle. He opened his mouth for the bit and pranced in place excitedly.

"Yeah, yeah, big guy, we're going," I chuckled and started to walk down the hall. We were just about to exit the barn when Charm stopped and craned his neck into a stall. "Hey, big head, stop it." I tugged his reins away but then noticed the name plate. 'Luna'.

"Oh. Yeah...," Luna's light grey muzzle met Charm's red one, and they nickered in greeting. Luna looked almost sad and weary. I reached out my palm and stroked her fleabitten neck.

"I miss her too," I tugged Charm's reins again and he followed me. When we got outside, I stuck my foot in the stirrup, pulled myself into the saddle, and pushed Charm into a long trot towards the woods.

I went to my favorite trail immediately, the one that lead to that little creek. Charm snorted and relaxed into a comfortable walk, ears drooped.

I closed my eyes, thankful that I was away from my problems, or so I foolishly thought.

I opened my eyes and felt kind of dizzy. I held the reins in one hand, and rubbed my forehead. I shut my eyes tightly, and when I opened them again, I gasped. Eric. Kissing. Rachel. Then as quickly as it appeared, the vision disappeared.

"What the- Ugh, Sasha, keep cool, it's just your head." I pushed Charm forward. Then it appeared again, except it was worse. I favored Rachel, a nice seventh grader, than _her_.

Callie had her hands around Eric's neck, playing with his jet black hair. Eric had his arms around her waist affectionately. He kissed her and she giggled. I screamed violently.

"Go Charm!" I heeled him and ran right through the realistic ghosts of my imagination. Charm galloped with such speed that I could barely see, but I knew he knew where he was going. I cried and kept seeing these terrible things. I calmed myself and slowed Charm before he could get too tired. I closed my eyes, turned Charm around, and pushed him into a fast canter home.

I heard whispering halfway back by the creek and turned around. I spotted Black Jack and one of the stable horses drinking. On the beach, I could see Callie and Paige together. I craned my neck to listen.

"God, I wish I didn't have to room with Sasha. She is such an emo pest. I try to help, but she completely denies me! I am sick of her," Paige said, her voice stingy.

"I feel bad. I wish you roomed with me...Sasha is such a liar. I _hate _her," Callie said vengefully. Now _that _made me mad. I picked up a rock from the ground, aimed at the water, and threw. Black Jack and the other horse skittered into the water, covering Paige and Callie in water. Before they could see me, I galloped Charm toward campus, smiling wickedly.

When we got back to camp, Charm was only slightly sweaty. I brushed off the drying sweat and made his blaze and socks shine. I kissed his white nose and put him into his stall. As I walked out of the barn, Luna whinnied. I cringed and stopped in my tracks. I kicked the wall angrily and clenched my head. Why was this happening?! Why?! I sat down and buried my head in my hands.

"Hey..um..if you want, you can stay at my place, Silver. I bet you don't wanna be there when Paige gets back," Heather. She sounded really sympathetic and sincere.

"Really?" I sniffled. Heh, little crouching me underneath the regal figure of the Trio queen. A year ago, I could imagine her smily sadistically. Now, things had shifted drastically.

"Yeah let's swing by your place and get your stuff," Heather took my arm and walked me to Winchester.

I packed my pajamas and school clothes. When we got back to her place, I was so exhausted that I fell asleep on _their_ couch in my riding clothes. I was oblivious to the fact at that moment that Alison and Julia narrowed their eyes at my sleeping figure.


	6. Chapter 6

**PLEASE DONT KILL US! WE'RE SORRY. and no, we aren't dead c: **

I stayed the night in Heather's dorm. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. They mainly just left me alone. "Okaaaay, Silver, time to go." Heather threw my stuff at me and pointed to the door. I nodded and slouched as I walked back to Winchester. You would think I gained friendship points with the Trio leader. Facing Winchester was the last thing I wanted to do at a time like this. I heaved my small traveling bag on my shoulder and braced myself for what was to come. I walked into Winchester, expecting to be confronted by Paige or Livvie, but instead, I heard giggling. I peeked into my dorm room and saw Callie, in MY bed, flipping through MY magazines watching MY shows. No way. I slapped a hand over my mouth to hold in my angry words. I opened the door wide, letting them know of my enraged presence. Callie's and Paige's eyes flew to me with menacing gleams in their eyes. I grabbed a t-shirt and jeans and ran out the door. I ran toward the stables, where no one could hurt me. It was probably brash of me to escape so quickly, but the hurt was already etched in my veins. As I slowed to a walk I entered the wide stable hallway. I let out a relieved sigh. The horses put their heads over their stall doors and nickered in greeting. I practically flew to Charm's stall and he let out a welcoming whinny. I hugged his strong, chestnut neck. He seemed to hug me back and snorted. I scratched his favorite spot behind his ears. He let out a sigh and backed out of my grasp. Charm wandered over to his hay net. For some abstract reason I had to run back to Winchester, only to find Paige and Callie missing.

I wiped my eyes free of my tears and looked at my black fingers. Stupid not-water-proof-mascara. I sniffled and went into the bathroom. I splashed cold water on my face and proceeded to change into the school clothes I had brought with me. I pulled on a new pair of underwear, black tights, a burgundy colored waffle-knit sweater, and black combat boots. I swept my hair into a loose bun and opened the bathroom door. I went to Charm's stall and kissed his nose goodbye. He snorted and his head flew into the air at the sound of giggling. I turned my head to see who was coming. Eric. And some girl. His arm. On her waist. Laughing. Smiling. Fun. Love.

It seemed like my entire heart crashed onto the cold, hard floor. I couldn't breathe, but I couldn't suffocate either. The hall was definitely smaller. His eyes met mine. His eyes turned sad and regretful as he shot that look at me. I took a sharp intake of breath and felt new tears making paths along my cheeks. Eric looked back toward me, his eyes now evident with a shade of anger with me. I knew he had every right to. I broke his heart...well..I didn't mean to but I still did.

"Don't you have class now, Sasha?" Eric said in a clipped tone.

The girl's giggles stopped as she stroked Luna.

"Ye-" I couldn't finish before a sob escaped. I turned on my heel and sprinted down the hall. This was all my fault. All of it!

"Sasha wai-" Eric said before getting interrupted by his "date".

"Don't worry about that freak," the girl said in a snobby tone. Eric ignored the girl's protests and tried to catch me, but I was already long gone. I knew he pursued because of the haunting clicks of his shoes against the ground.

I got to class just before the bell rang. I was lucky _for once_. I drifted through the day, stayed out of trouble and kept to myself. I walked toward the exit when I felt a hard grip on my arm.

"Hey! St-" A hand covered my mouth and I was pulled into a class closet. It was quite spacious, but the dim lighting made all too conspicuous of its shadiness.

Jacob observed me up and down. "You look terrible," he chided. I could make out the sardonic smirk embellished on his face.

"Let go of me right now Jacob, or I swear to God I will knock all your teeth out," I threatened. My feeble threat was probably like a hare's about to be attacked by a wolf.

"Ooh feisty." Jacob reached to grab my waist, and moved his hand lower. My leg flew up, and I kicked him in the gut. I grabbed my bag and sprinted out the door, ignoring the teacher's calls. I slammed the door shut behind me.

I got to the stable after changing in my empty dorm. I pulled on a pair of brown breeches, a green polo shirt, and some black boots. My hair was in a pony tail, and I snatched my helmet up. I sprinted out of Winchester before I could run into anyone.

Charm was waiting for me, eager to work. I tacked him up in a green saddle pad that matched my shirt. I lifted on my dark brown saddle and did up his girth. I wrapped his legs and he accepted the bit nicely.

"Alright everyone, warm up at the wall. Good Sasha, keep Charm in line," Mr. Conner praised me when I kept Charm from drifting out. Callie shot me a glare.

After 15 minutes Mr. Conner crossed the arena and set up 3 standards and one double.

"Callie, then Sasha, then Heather," Mr Conner nodded toward the jumps.

Callie knocked two of the standards and guided Blackjack awkwardly cleared the double.

I trotted Charm in a large circle and lined him up toward the first standard. I led him into a smooth canter. He cleared the jump like it was a stool. He cleared the second and third easily. As we approached the double, Charm had gotten confident and cocky. He slowed his pace slightly. I pushed my heels into his sides and he sped up a little. We cleared the double by a few inches. Mr. Conner clapped once.

"Nice, Sasha. Don't let Charm drift though." He crossed his arms. Heather had a perfect run as usual. Even her coldness could not prevent her from showing equestrian talent.

"Cool out." Mr. Conner left the arena and went to his office.

I cooled out Charm and led him to the barn. I gave him a thorough brushing and put on his rug. I put him in his stall. As I left I saw Eric, head in hands. He looked up and opened his mouth to say something, then clamped it shut. Before I could start crying I ran home. I sobbed so hard I could feel my body shiver. I slammed the dorm door shut and ran into the kitchen. I grabbed one of the cooking knifes.

_This is all my fault,_ i thought. _I ruined everyone's lives. _

I locked the bathroom door shut, put the knife on the sink, and stripped out of my school clothes. I filled the tub with cold water. I lowered myself in. I grabbed the knife off the counter and without thinking, I slid it over my wrist, the blood seeping onto the water. I thanked the physical pain for distracting me from my emotional pain.

**_Future Sasha_**

_The bloody wrist displayed in front me...I wish I could tell my younger self that inflicting self-pain only brought the worst, and that it was not a legible answer._


	7. Chapter 7

I woke up the next morning to a dull ache in my wrist. I looked down on the red, irritated skin wrapped with gnawings. Finally it was Saturday. I had been slicing my wrist for the past three, ghastly nights. I quickly got out of my bed and pulled on a long sleeve navy blue sweater before anyone could see my damaged wrist. I covered myself extra from the cold weather with a black vest and pulled on matching breeches. Finally I pulled on my knee high riding boots, grabbed my helmet, and ducked out the door.

It took me about eight minutes to reach the stable and practically leap into Charm's stall. He dug his velvety lips into my pocket, hounding me for any form of treat.

"Alright, alright," I whispered, handing over a peppermint. Charm waffled his lips over my open palm, inhaling the peppermint like it was the last delectable thing on Earth. I rubbed his favorite spot behind his ears with gentle, yet firm strokes.

I tacked Charm up in a white saddle pad and blue wraps that matched my shirt. I lifted my head at the sound of giggles and snide comments. At the end of the hall was Callie, whispering something into Paige's ear while looking directly at me. I wrenched my head away from their stares and slapped on my velvet helmet. Charm shook his fiery mane and walked next to me lazily.

"Hey, freakshow," Callie mocked, kicking a clump of manure in my direction. Of all the days I haven't mucked...

"I heard that you gave Jacob a wild time?" Giggled Paige. She added, "What a slut." However, her tone turned to a more subtle, regretful one. It made me wonder if she was putting on an act.

Tears sprang into my eyes, threatening to pour down my face. Charm nuzzled me, sensing my feelings as if the reins were a lifeline. I spun around, springing onto his back. I dug my heels into Charm's sides, and he galloped through the stable and out the exit. Grooms were narrowly missed by my stampeding gelding. I closed my eyes, pressing my cheek against Charm's warm, red neck that pulsed with power. His strides lengthened, carrying me away to the woods. He slowed when we were a long way down the trail, and frankly I didn't care if we could make it back by the days end. I didn't want to anyways.

"Hooo." I told charm, pulling back the reins gently. I tied him to a strong tree branch and curled up next to a rock. I pulled off my helmet, letting my choclate brown hair flow down. Finally i allowed my tears to pour past my eyelashes. I sobbed for what seemed like hours. I buried my head in my hands and shook. The sound of hooves is the only thing that made me lift my head. A horse stood over me, wuffling my hair with its lips. I knew this horse. Luna. But i also knew who was riding her. Eric. He dismounted from her fleebitten back and ties her next to charm. As he aprrouched me i shrunk inside myself, trying to diseapeear into the side of the rock. I closed my eyes, making futile attempts to stop shaking.

Eric worean expression of concern, but also hatred.

"What are you doing out here sasha?" He said with a genuinly sorry tone. "Are you alright?" he asked when i didnt answer.

I shook my head, drew up my knees and buried my head in my arms. My pants swept up the edge of my sleeve, exposing my still irritated wrist. Eric's eyes widened at the sight of my cuts. The gaws had peeled up, reaveling the open slashes. He instantly clammered closer to me, encircling me. My body shivered at the feeling of him. I missed the faint smell of hay in his hair and his warmness.

"Sasha what were you thinking?" He whispered to me, squeezing me protectively. I trembled in his arms, afraid, but i also wanted to stay there forever. His strong fingers stroked my hair as i slowly stopped trembling. He released me from my grip and i bitterely edged away.

His faced had turned back to what i once knew. His face held affection and happiness, but his mouth was a twisted frown. Quickly his eyes matched his expression.

"I got to go." He said as he mounted luna, and rode away.

I resumed sobbing after he disapeared from sight.

Sasha's Playlist

Song: Smother

Artist: Daughter

I'm wasted, losing time

I'm a foolish, fragile spine

I want all that is not mine

I want him but we're not right

In the darkness I will meet my creators

And they will all agree, that I'm a suffocator

I should go now quietly

For my bones have found a place

to lie down and sleep

Where all my layers can become reeds

All my limbs can become trees

All my children can become me

What at mess I leave

To follow [x4]

In the darkness I will meet my creators

They will all agree, I'm a suffocator

Suffocator [x2]

Oh no

I'm sorry if I smothered you [x2]

I sometimes wish I'd stayed inside

My mother

Never to come out


End file.
